…Broken

I didn’t think that this moment would be here so soon. The moment I would lose you.

I remember that first morning. You were about as big as my hand (maybe a little bigger, you were always a little bigger). Your whines made me want to cover my head with a pillow. I woke up and you gave me those eyes. The puppy kind, where I could see the whites of them. That’s when I knew I loved you. I staggered out the door picking sleep out of my own eyes with you in my arms. I set you on the grass where you hobbled around (like puppies do) to find the perfect bathroom grass.

Yesterday, I had to do the same thing. I wrapped you in my arms and carried you out to the grass, except instead of finding a bathroom spot, you lighted in the grass, clumsily falling over. This is when I felt like I was losing you but I had so much hope, at only 6 years old, you should pull through this. I let you lay there a while and the wind blew through your fur. You took in as deep a breath possible. I think you knew before everyone. My little trooper. You looked so stoic and wise. I’ll remember that image forever. The last few minutes of your life I looked into those eyes. Nothing about them said this was fair. It wasn’t. I buried my nose in your fur and took a deep breath, tears falling down my face, trying not to sob so that you wouldn’t be scared. My heart was officially broken, no, shattered.

We buried you out underneath a young dogwood tree with your favorite toys. Its blooms are beginning to open. Every year when I see the dogwoods bloom I will think of you. Sweet, sweet, baby. My best friend.

I'll miss his snuggles, the way he took up half the bed, his nose nudged my knee under the table when he was begging for food. It's killing me to lose him.

I am going to miss my little running buddy. I wish I could take you on one more run. I'm going to miss seeing his little ears pin back as he ran. He loved it.

What am I going to do without my riding buddy? I already miss him so much.

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3 thoughts on “…Broken

  1. Kelly this brought tears to my eyes. I know what you are going through. Back in October our 6yr old dog Fox couldn’t move one day. I had to carry him to the vet. They took him back immediately. They told us to put him down but we couldn’t. I had to open up a credit card and we spent 7000 dollars on keeping him alive. It just happens so fast. The day before I took him to the vet he was fine playing and jumping. The next day he couldn’t lift his head up. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure you were an amazing mommy and im sure he had a great life.

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